I have always been pro people but my god you f***ers have ground me down.
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I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I feel it
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
cry laughing at this shit
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment