This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
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Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees