I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
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Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]