I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
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I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
we’re gonna need another temp
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10