I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
ππππππππ
You Might Also Like
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Waiter: donβt touch the plate, itβs extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: iβm a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
She is very cute, has great energy! π
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so youβre not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Every time I see a turtle up close Iβm like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, βnice.β
Babies wonβt eat food unless they think itβs an airplane because all humans are born believing theyβre godzilla.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Er, no; weβre clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Red Skullβs name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Never make a promise you canβt reschedule.
Iβve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Canβ but itβs just me making up jobs I have so I donβt need to volunteer at school.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs