If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.