If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
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This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Taking phone security to the next level.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
need a new bf mines broken 😐
this is the greatest thing ever
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”