if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
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FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
No. He’s not coming out to play
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*