I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
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Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
it was love at first sight
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old