guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
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“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
School be like
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.