I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
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My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days