In Medieval times, people used antimony as a π³π¦πΆπ΄π’π£ππ¦ laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
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(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until itβs dead.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, thatβs God crying.
Me: I donβt know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Thereβs no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses βContinueβ on Netflix
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didnβt bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling βwe arenβt Irish!!β isnβt a good enough explanation?
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. Sheβs ready.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when Iβm out in public.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Whatβs a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed