Interior design 👌
You Might Also Like
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.