Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
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the rocks need my help
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
my favorite genre of twitter
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.