Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
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Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday