Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
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Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…