my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
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ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
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Me: Same
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.