My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
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Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
😍😂🥰😂😍
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”