Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming

God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink

Angel: that’s pretty cool

G: but only a little bit

A: ooookaaaayy…

G: and they’re leaky as hell

A: there it is

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…

… my lifetime.

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”

“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.

There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)

wife: what are you doing?

brain: lie.

me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.

I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

[ikea date]

him: let’s go check out the beds 😉

me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

Sounds about right. 😂🤣