My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
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my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
me: *clamping can of beans into electric can opener* now spill it!
can of beans: never!
(whirring noises)
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*