My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
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promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Single and childfree like Jesus
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.