My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
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A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
“I wouldn’t.”
🤔😂😂
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine