My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
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My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
tis the season
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.