My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
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No. YOU-buprofen.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
If you know, you know
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.