One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
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Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Look at this
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I like crazy people until they notice me
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.