Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.![]()
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I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it