People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?