People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: π₯ππππ₯
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Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
European out-of-offices: βIβm away camping for the summer. Email again in Septemberβ
American out-of-offices: βI have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytimeβ
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey thatβs an interesting thought, hereβs six billion more.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Wanna hear a construction joke?
Iβm working on it.
Friend: Youβre so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
incredible
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
I have a friend whoβs band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but Iβm pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
βHave you seen the cat, Sam?β
βThe what now?β
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Itβs not you, itβs me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: Iβm going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: itβs my turn
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory π