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(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Blew my mind.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?