Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
You Might Also Like
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Anyone really
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh