please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
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I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.