Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
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Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl