Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
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“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
i would wish you the best but i am the best
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Twitter fine art
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.