Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
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1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this