“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I can’t be the only one 😂
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.