[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
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Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
HR said no more nunchucks.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.