The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
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Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
mood
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.