They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Match dot com, but for socks.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.