This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
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My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
found my next D&D character name
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I cannot stop laughing at this
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled