This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
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I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
is nasa ok
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster