This is painfully accurate 😅
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“and you are November’s PM yes?”
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.