This took me a few seconds.. 😅
You Might Also Like
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
There is no “we” in pizza
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out