Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
โ ๐ง๐ต๐ถ๐ ๐๐๐ฒ๐ฟ ๐ถ๐ ๐น๐ผ๐๐ ๐ฎ๐ ๐๐ฒ๐ฎ
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contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, shouldโve seen that coming
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that Iโm still clumsy as hell.
As an adult you should already know shit like if youโre standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if youโre standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s โcoolโ, but when I do it, Iโm a โcreepโ.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show Iโll never watch*
Iโll definitely check it out.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones arenโt even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, weโve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyoneโฆ
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: โฆ
*Next night*
Me: Howโs dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Donโt patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*