Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
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I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
paddle faster i hear baby shark
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)