Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.