Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
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The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Are these grass-fed oranges?
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’