as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
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The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.