@HomeProbably

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

@HomeProbably

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

@HomeProbably

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

@HomeProbably

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

@HomeProbably

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

@HomeProbably

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

@HomeProbably

Relationship status:

My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.