“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
You Might Also Like
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.