That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
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BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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