Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
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Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
was Jim off killing horses or…
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore